Thursday, 13 January 2011

Anyone for a Cock Monsieur?

Well I did it. I took your advice and here I am back from Paris and maybe a litle bit in Love. Yes thats right. You heard me. L. O. V. E. And its all of your faults for making me go.
If you could have a kind of pregnancy test for how you feel about someone I would say there is definitely a faint blue line there. Its not a full on POSITIVE , CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE HAVING A BABY line, more a....lets give it a few more days before we tell anyone line, but I have a blog to write and people who have been through the highs and the lows with me for the last six months (ie you guys!!) and I wanted to share the news with you first.

So what happened? I hear you ask. What changed you from being a pathetic, snivelling, ungrateful, fearful fool to an all embracing , open hearted Juliet?

And the answer is: I don't really know.

All I know is that he met me at St Pancras station on Friday evening of last week with a bottle of Veuve- (Nice touch Suity) which we shared on the three hour Eurostar journey, me gabbling ten to the dozen about how my week had been which felt nice to do with someone other than Fellow Actress who usually makes me feel suicidal , then once we reached Gare du Nord he totally took over the show, hailing us a cab in fluent French, which then took us to this really cool hotel called Hotel Costes where we had some lovely French Red wine and steak frites and then we partied at some club called Bains Douches until about 6am and then stayed up for  breakfast in this bustling little Bistro off the Champs Elyees, drinking Cafe au Laits and eating Croque Madames (which are the female version of Croque Monsieurs because they have ovaries) whilst kind of looking at each other quite alot and laughing because we both just knew what was going on here. And then that Bridget Bardot song came on "Je t' non plus" and he blushed and I think I did too because I felt really hot in my face.
And then we went back to the hotel and slept and woke up and went shopping to the Galeries Lafayette and went for lunch in some gorgeous, quaint little restaurant on the Isle St Louis where he presented me with the most beautiful purse ( which I had remarked upon earlier in the department store so he must have bought it whilst I was in the bathroom!!) and I actually felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Not least because on top of all that he has the most MASSIVE.......

oh shit, Fellow Actress is calling and I want to break the news to her, I shall continue from where I left off in my next post ....a bientot mes amis.. xxxxx


Thursday, 6 January 2011

Desperately Seeking Santa (aka my agent!)

I just called my agent as I haven't spoken to him since before Christmas but his phone went to ansaphone and this is what it said.
"Hello all, am away now until the 15th January to carry out my post delivery duties . Anyone who hasn't written their christmas present list yet for 2011 should do so quickly as the Elfs were getting very very stressed with the increased workload this time. Please post to Greenland or alternatively email me at merry Christmas . Ho Ho Ho."

I can't take much more of this. I thought it was actors who were supposed to be mad not their agents
. I don't leave a message and instead phone Fellow Actress to tell her but she answers in this kind of far away dreamy voice.

"You ok?" I say
"Yes. You just caught me in the middle of some masturbation," she mumbles
"Er bit too much information thanks!" I say trying to erase the picture of Fellow Actress "pleasuring herself" from my mind.
"What!?" She tuts, "Its good for you. I find it really clears my mind. Especially if I use a candle."
"A candle!?" I say in disgust.
"Yes. I watch the flame and chant Ommmm lots of times. It totally chills me out..They showed me how to do it at Triyoga"
"Oh" I breathe a sigh of relief" I think you'll find the word is meditation"
"Thats what I said." she snaps  "Anyway what do you want?"
"Thats not very Zen babe." I say, mavelling at how rapidly one's inner peace can dissolve, "I was actually ringing to speak to you about something serious."
"Oh look, " she says,"Just go on the weekend away with him, he's not going to propose trust me." she says scathingly.

She's referring to Suit Guy who has asked me to go away with him this weekend. We were meant to go away just before Christmas to Paris but (to my relief) our flights were cancelled because of the snow so now he's taking me next weekend instead. Dont get me wrong. Its every girls dream, but I just feel that things have been going along very nicely as it is. Why ruin something so perfectly, well, nice?
I mean everything has been going swimmingly so far.We've been seing each other at the weekends and had some really lovely times , but he seems to want to be moving things along a bit now. I mean, weekends away, thats quite serious isnt it? I dont know what my problem is . He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy, but there is something holding me back.
For instance,we went on a walk the other day, by the river in Richmond (where he lives) and id conversation he asked me what I would call my children when (not IF but When) I had them, (Them not IT!! Yikes!) and I literally nearly jumped into the path of an oncoming canoein the Thames just to avoid answering the question. Then he said he wanted me to meet his Brother and I made up some feeble excuse about having to stay in to wait for the postman (even though I have a postbox) Its not good is it? I'm basically acting like Dom. I read somewhere once that each relationship has karma and that however you are treated you will treat someone else in that way and i feel so mean because I really like him and would never want anyone to feel the pain that Dom put me through but I just can't seem to stop myself. Its like Relationship Tourettes.

"No. Its not that," I say, "I can't get hold of my agent. Its pissing me off" and I tell her about his Santa Claus message."Oh darls," she said , "don't worry . He should be back soon. Think of the kiddies"
"He's not REALLY Santa ," I shout
"You really need to get some inner peace babe" she says and starts chanting.
"But how can I? My career is in the hands of a mad deluded man who has gone AWOL, I really wanted 2011 to start well , you know, get some telly work or something lucrative. Do you realise I haven't been on Telly for almost 3 years!" I moan,
 "Oh don't fret Harriett," she says ," If Kerry Katona can make a comeback then you can do it too. Just have faith. Oooommm!!"
Thanks friend
I am just about to launch into my "How dare you compare me to Kerry Katona speech" when the landline rings. It could be my agent. I hang up and answer in my best, "I'm totally composed and Judy Dench-like " voice

Its the temp agency.They want me to cover for the afternoon for a sick receptionist .
 "How much?"  I sigh

"£7 an hour"
Fucking Slave Labour. By the time I've paid travel and lunch it will leave me with the grand sum of ten pounds.

"Please," begs the agent." You're the last person I've tried.Noone else can do it and they're desperate.Their regular receptionist has really left them in the lurch with a bad case of swine flu. Came in this morning and two hours later she had a temperature of 40 and was puking up everywhere."

"My ears prick up
"Swine flu you say?"
Thats a good enough excuse as any. I cant go on a romantic weekend away if Ive got swine flu now can I?.

"I''ll do it," I say."I'll be there within the hour"