So I'm in this audition for a new play which is making it's debut at one of the new studio theatres in the West End. Its about a drug addict and the relationship she has with her family. If I get this part I will be playing the fucked up junkie with emotional issues. Its every actress' dream part and I'm feeling pretty confident, and then I see Fellow Actress walk in and my heart sinks. She spots me and waves then comes over to sit next to me.
"Hi" she gushes disingenuously "didn't know you'd be here!"
"Yes you did!" I snarled," I told you last night on the phone! You didn't mention that you were coming to the same meeting" I say suspiciously
She makes some thespian hand gesture, "Oh,darling, I must have forgotten.To be honest, babe, I've spent the last three days in a K hole at Secret Garden Party. I don't know where the fuck I am" she says flippantly and casts an eye around the room.
Is there no integrity in this business? I think, Even between friends? I look her up and down. She does actually look like she has spent three days at a festival, and hence absolutely perfect for the part. I'm doomed.
She sits down next to me and takes out her script making sure I see how laboriously highlighted and annotated it is. For someone who has been off their head for the whole weekend she has been very diligent in her pre audition script analysis.I glance down at my own sorry pages which are lightly smattered with the odd adjective scribbled over the dialogue to guide my performance. Sad. Angry. Pained.
She's so going to get this.I think to myself as I watch her read through the script, silently mouthing the words to herself. I might aswell leave now. And then I have an idea.I'll try a different tactic, I'll distract her and talk to her about her favourite subject. Herpes Guy.
"Oh I'm not with him anymore" she says breezily and smiles serenely , " The risk of contraction was too high," she says and then adds, lowering her voice, "although., Harry, between you and me, I think I might be immune anyway. Think I might already have it" she says and points at her nether regions.
I wince and the old actor sitting next to us, who I recognise from being in Jackanory many years ago, coughs and shuffles away from her slightly
"Anyway,I've met someone else" she exclaims proudly
"Thank fuck for that" I reply. "Whats his name?"
"Thats a strange name for a boy" I say
There is silence.She raises her eyebrows.
"Oh" I say
"Yes.I am officially a lesbian" she announces to the room. A good looking man in his thirties looks up and gives her a flirty look.
"Oh" I say again, and there is more silence. "Well, babe, if Lyndsay Lohan can do it....."
"You know, Harry, its wierd," she says, shaking her head," I mean, I've had a few girly snogs here and there in my time but, I dunno, this is different." She puts her script down and gives me an intense stare.
"I can't stop thinking about her. I've checked my phone about a million times today just to see if she's texted me and its only 11 oclock"
"Well, has she?" I laugh
"Well, no, and its driving me mad, but I guess its a bit tricky. I mean its hard enough waiting for a guy to text. Does he like me? Will he call? You know, the ususal?"
I nod , I know only too well
"But this is on a whole new level." she continues," Its like, a) Does she like me? And then b) is she even sure she wants to be a lesbian?,"
"She's not a lesbian either?" I say somewhat confused
"You should try it" she says,"It's the best thing I've ever done"
I sigh hopelessly and put my script down. " I have thought about it actually" I say, lowering my voice " I mean, I'm sure having a relationship with a woman would be a lot easier than with a man, but to be honest its the physical thing which worries me.Even if you gave me a snorkel and mask, I just wouldnt be able to dive a muff"
She looks at me in disgust and then stares away into the distance with a worried expression.
"I do know what you mean actually. And in all honesty, I'm slightly concerned too in that respect. I mean, between you and me babe, you know how much I like cock"
She looks slightly distressed until she catches the eye of the sexy actor guy whose attention is now fully focussed on our conversation and not on learning his lines, and flutters her eyelashes at him,
I feel even more confused.
" Ah well,there's always the Dildo" I say patting her arm comfortingly as I try to erase the image in my head of Fellow Actress standing naked with a strap on.
The gorgeous actor looks back to his script and she scowls and changes the subject
"So, anyway, hows it going with you on that front..I mean, whats going on in your lovelife?"
"Oh its ok" I say, " I might go on a date with this guy I met at work"
"From the office?"
"Yes.He kind of asked me for a drink the other day. He seems nice" I say half heartedly " And he has a job and well, he is quite handsome in his suit"
"Hmm" she says," be careful, I once went on a date with someone who was wearing a suit and when we met up he was wearing a shell suit and had BO. He asked me what I wanted to drink and we ordered a bottle of wine, and then he told me that was the first time he's ever drunk wine.I'd imagined he was some sort of High Powered Exec, but apparently he was the guy who did the photocopying. Its hard to gage these days. "
"No" I say, "Its fine, this one is a CEO"
And I see the dollar signs flash in her eyes. Then she leans in, "He sounds great...... Why am I sensing a "but"?" And then, as if she is reading my mind she says.
" Heard any more from Dom and Boring Betty?"
This is why I love her.She can read me like a book.
"Nope. " I say, " I don't think it is serious though. I think he needs to just do his thing for a while, you know, play the field, and then he'll realise what he is missing"
She looks at me with pity.
"She's a loser anyway", she says brightly, "She writes things like "Miaow" on his Facebook page"
"How do you know?" I ask
"Oh, I just know" she says winking uncomfortably
"How do you know???" I say once more with a stern voice
"He's one of my Facebook friends"
"Didn't you defriend him?!" I say , shocked that she hasn't informed me of this before.
"No babe! He's a producer. He might be good for my career"
Et Tu Brutus.
We sit silently listening to the shrieking coming from audition room
""Miaow" you say?" I say, after a few minutes.
And we both look at each other and start to laugh, and then it dawns on me,
"Oh God" I say,
"What?" she says, with a look of horror
" His pet nickname for me, you know "in bed" was Kitten"
"Thats original" she sneers " So?"
" Well what noise do kittens make?" I say, and she thinks for a second, then grimaces and holds my hand
"Oh,I'm Sorry babe. Look, he's a loser if he cant even come up with a different pet name for his girlfriends and anyway look at you, you're amazing, you're beautiful, talented, famous. Its totally his loss"
And then the door opens and they call her in to audition. She thrusts her iphone into my hand.
"Here" she says, "Go for your life" and she does a few warm up exercises before throwing the script down on the chair and entering the room like Norma Desmond.
I look down at her iphone and for a second my finger hovers over the Facebook app as I contemplate the horrors I am about to reveal to myself. I shouldn't, this is stupid, destructive behaviour, but then before I know it in one easy click I am in her profile, and like a crack addict looking for his next hit I frantically search her friends,until I find him. There he is Dominic Harris. And my blood starts to boil as I click on his profile and read all the lovey, dovey, sickening messages she has posted, on his wall ( who posts shit like that on their own boyfriend's Wall anyway, saddo??)
And by the time I am called in to do the audition I am ready to kill someone.