Thursday, 6 January 2011
I just called my agent as I haven't spoken to him since before Christmas but his phone went to ansaphone and this is what it said.
"Hello all, am away now until the 15th January to carry out my post delivery duties . Anyone who hasn't written their christmas present list yet for 2011 should do so quickly as the Elfs were getting very very stressed with the increased workload this time. Please post to Greenland or alternatively email me at Sclaus@gmail.com. merry Christmas . Ho Ho Ho."
I can't take much more of this. I thought it was actors who were supposed to be mad not their agents
. I don't leave a message and instead phone Fellow Actress to tell her but she answers in this kind of far away dreamy voice.
"You ok?" I say
"Yes. You just caught me in the middle of some masturbation," she mumbles
"Er bit too much information thanks!" I say trying to erase the picture of Fellow Actress "pleasuring herself" from my mind.
"What!?" She tuts, "Its good for you. I find it really clears my mind. Especially if I use a candle."
"A candle!?" I say in disgust.
"Yes. I watch the flame and chant Ommmm lots of times. It totally chills me out..They showed me how to do it at Triyoga"
"Oh" I breathe a sigh of relief" I think you'll find the word is meditation"
"Thats what I said." she snaps "Anyway what do you want?"
"Thats not very Zen babe." I say, mavelling at how rapidly one's inner peace can dissolve, "I was actually ringing to speak to you about something serious."
"Oh look, " she says,"Just go on the weekend away with him, he's not going to propose trust me." she says scathingly.
She's referring to Suit Guy who has asked me to go away with him this weekend. We were meant to go away just before Christmas to Paris but (to my relief) our flights were cancelled because of the snow so now he's taking me next weekend instead. Dont get me wrong. Its every girls dream, but I just feel that things have been going along very nicely as it is. Why ruin something so perfectly, well, nice?
I mean everything has been going swimmingly so far.We've been seing each other at the weekends and had some really lovely times , but he seems to want to be moving things along a bit now. I mean, weekends away, thats quite serious isnt it? I dont know what my problem is . He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy, but there is something holding me back.
For instance,we went on a walk the other day, by the river in Richmond (where he lives) and id conversation he asked me what I would call my children when (not IF but When) I had them, (Them not IT!! Yikes!) and I literally nearly jumped into the path of an oncoming canoein the Thames just to avoid answering the question. Then he said he wanted me to meet his Brother and I made up some feeble excuse about having to stay in to wait for the postman (even though I have a postbox) Its not good is it? I'm basically acting like Dom. I read somewhere once that each relationship has karma and that however you are treated you will treat someone else in that way and i feel so mean because I really like him and would never want anyone to feel the pain that Dom put me through but I just can't seem to stop myself. Its like Relationship Tourettes.
"No. Its not that," I say, "I can't get hold of my agent. Its pissing me off" and I tell her about his Santa Claus message."Oh darls," she said , "don't worry . He should be back soon. Think of the kiddies"
"He's not REALLY Santa ," I shout
"You really need to get some inner peace babe" she says and starts chanting.
"But how can I? My career is in the hands of a mad deluded man who has gone AWOL, I really wanted 2011 to start well , you know, get some telly work or something lucrative. Do you realise I haven't been on Telly for almost 3 years!" I moan,
"Oh don't fret Harriett," she says ," If Kerry Katona can make a comeback then you can do it too. Just have faith. Oooommm!!"
I am just about to launch into my "How dare you compare me to Kerry Katona speech" when the landline rings. It could be my agent. I hang up and answer in my best, "I'm totally composed and Judy Dench-like " voice
Its the temp agency.They want me to cover for the afternoon for a sick receptionist .
"How much?" I sigh
"£7 an hour"
Fucking Slave Labour. By the time I've paid travel and lunch it will leave me with the grand sum of ten pounds.
"Please," begs the agent." You're the last person I've tried.Noone else can do it and they're desperate.Their regular receptionist has really left them in the lurch with a bad case of swine flu. Came in this morning and two hours later she had a temperature of 40 and was puking up everywhere."
"My ears prick up
"Swine flu you say?"
Thats a good enough excuse as any. I cant go on a romantic weekend away if Ive got swine flu now can I?.
"I''ll do it," I say."I'll be there within the hour"