I've just come back from meeting Commitment Phobe Ex. You'll notice that it is a Monday evening as I write this and the date took place on the Sunday. Yes we had coffee but we also had sex and I stayed the night . I know . Don't say it. I've already had grief from Fellow Actress.
We meet at a pub on Chamberlayn Rd in Queens Park , I forget the name but its full of Steve Jones lookalikes..
"Hello," he says
"Hello," I say
"You look..well?" He suggests
"Thanks" I say thinking what the fuck am I doing here
"Where shall we go for coffee then?" I say
"My place?" He says
And I just thought why the hell not, I havent had sex for three months and its starting to show.
An hour later we are on his sofa having unprotected sex.
"You are on the pill arent you?" he says midway through the shag ( which, in my stupid little sad mind is us is "making love")
"No". I say, surprised he didn’t check before
He withdraws quicker than you can say "who's the father?" .
"Well lets put a condom on," I say reasonably.
He puts one on, but to be honest I’ve kind of lost the enthusiasm.
"Whats wrong now?" he groans
"I can't" I say. "I don’t do this when I'm not in a relationship. I can only do it with someone I love." I lie hoping he will respond with a declaration of undying love. But he doesnt.
"Okay" he says and we lye there side by side in silence. I feel the loneiest I've ever felt in the vicinity of another person. This wasn't how I'd wanted this to pan out..
"What would you do if you were pregnant?" he asks
"I won't be" I say
"You don't know that" he says
"I’d keep it of course,"I say, "I'm 35 years old"
He looks like he is having a mini heart attack and this gives me a sick kind of pleasure.
"Don't worry." I say " I'd look after it myself.I wouldn’t ask much from you. Just a weekly allowance or something maybe."
He goes pale. I sleep on the sofa.
The next morning, I wake up and shove him.
"Are you going to buy me breakfast then?" I ask
"No," he says," I have to go and see a friends baby",
"So", I say ," is this what you are going to do for the rest of your life? Go and visit friends’ babies, on Bank Holdiay Mondays," I say, and he shrugs.
I get up and make my way to the door. Here I am , right back to where I was 6 months ago. Just like that
And I feel like shit because deep down, more than anything in the world, I just wanted him to say he loves me. And he wont. Not now. Not ever.
"Harry", he shouts after me, "It was nice to see you."
You stupid fucking fool, you never learn do you.