Tuesday, 19 October 2010

He's Just That Into You

Okay so I'm sitting on my own at the bar at Windows on The World , the restaurant at the top of the Park Lane Hilton, which Suit Guy suggested for our "date" , and I'm looking out at the view of the river Thames in it's illuminated splendour, waiting for him to arrive and wondering how the hell I am going to explain "that phone call" after Fellow Actress gleefully told me that there haven't been "crossed lines" since about...oooh...1989 (see the post before last for details), when my phone rings.
Its him. He must be calling to cancel. Great
"Hello?" I say all girly and coy
"Harriett, hi, it's John."
"Oh, hi," I say in my best surprised tone
He hesitates
"You did remember that we're meeting tonight didn't you?"
"Oh, yes, yes," I say trying to sound blaze. "I'm just in a cab right now," I lie, never appear too keen.
The pianist strikes up a showtune , Fuck
"Oh, right," he says, "Its just, you sound like you're in a concert or something"
"No, no, just ...the radio...hang on a sec," I put my hand over the speaker, "Could you please turn the music down ,mate"
The pianist shoots me a dirty look.
"Sorry, bloody cabbies,, I should be there in 10," I say
"Oh well, I'll be there in 5 so why don't I get you a drink?"
"Sure, um, I'll have a Cosmo, " I say draining the last of my house wine and grabbing my bag, "see you soon," I say
"Can't wait."
I run out of the bar and into the ladies' toilets. A Thai woman sits there and hands me a tissue.
"Thanks," I say
"That'll be one pound,"
"For a tissue?" I say and hand her a pound from my wallet.I check my watch.
Ok, so I'm in here for ten minutes, I might aswell make use of my time, so I decide to "refresh" my make up , reapplying more foundation, mascara , blusher and lipstick. Oh and lip gloss.
"How do I look?" I ask the lady when I have finished.
"Beautiful. You look just like...whats the name? Katie Pliiiiice..."
I grab another tissue and frantically wipe off the blusher and most of the lip gloss.There's no way John is going to be into Jordan . He's all class. I need to be more Kate Middleton. I pencil in my eyebrows so they look thicker and more upper class.
The lady holds up a can of Ellnett. " Touch of this perhaps?"
Yes, I need hairsray, to give that swept to one side look that Sloanes have on the Kings Rd.
"Thanks ," I say and give myself a good old spray, noticing a slightly sweaty odour coming from my armpit. I grab the deodorant on the side o the washbasin and use it under each arm. I check the watch. 2 minutes to go.I apply just a touch more blusher and a smidgen of gloss,and a bit more bronzer and by the time I have been to the loo and washed my hands, we are just over the ten minute mark.
Not bad, Harriett, not bad
"Nice to meet  you, " I say to the Loo Lady
"£5 please."
She points to the array of cans on the side. Bloody cheek. But I havent got time to complain so I slam down a fiver, and head out back to the bar,
He's sitting there, looking even more gorgeous in a dark grey silky Hugo Boss suit and his shirt open at the neck, and there is a Cosomo on the side waiting for me. He smiles when he sees me and my heart gives a little flutter, but not because he is so bloody handsome, oh no, it's the OCD, it's kicked in, and all I can think is, What if he has put Rohypnol in that drink?
"Hey," he says as I approach, "Wow, you look very ..glamourous,"
"Hey, thanks," I say cool as anything, and I kiss him on the cheek.
He hands me the drink.
"Oh, " I say, putting a hand to my chest, "Is this mine?" I'm so sorry but I totally forgot, I'm allergic to cranberries, silly me, Could I have a Marguerita instead?" I say fluttering my eyelashes at the barman
"Sure, " says the barman, "Would you also like to pay for the glass of wine you had before?" he barks and walks off to make my drink.
John gives me a funny look, "Must have me confused with someone else" I stutter.

Anyway, the good thing is we are taken to the restaurant and John tells the waiter to charge the drinks to the table, so I'm hoping that errant glass of wine will get sucked into the melange of fois gras and filet mognon I'm about to gorge myself on.
I pull the chair out to sit down , but the waiter rushes round and gets to it first, grabbing it from my grasp, shoving me in front of it and pulling it out so briskly that I almost miss the seat and land on my arse. He then pushes me under the table like a child so I can't escape and angrily flicks the perfectly arranged napkin from off the table and onto my lap in one swift move.
"Impressive," I say, John is already looking at the wine list
"We'll have the 1987 Mersault," he says and the waiter nods and leaves to get it.
"Lovely restaurant," I mumble looking down at my menu. But as I look at the leather bound masterpiece  frot of me I'm thinking there must be some mistake. Because unless this is some fancy kind of diet place where the diet is No Food, my menu is competely blank.
"I..I think I've got the wrong menu." I say, and I show him the blank page.
"Try the turning the page," he says, and I do so pathetically and lo and behold an array of platters leaps before my eyes.The waiter comes back over and pours the wine.
"Would you like to order?" he says
I'm looking at the scallops which are my all time favourite, but suddenly I cant remember how to pronounce scallop, is it SCALOPP or SCOLLOP the two words run around and around in my head,until I feel dizzy and my heart starts palpitating
"You go first," I squeak
"No, no, ladies first," John gushes smiling gallantly at the waiter who is tapping his pen impatiently.
fuck it, I've just got to go for it.
"I'll have the scallops," I say, figuring that if they're spelt with an "A" then that must be how they are pronounced.
"Yes," John nods, "Good choice, I'll have the SCOLLOPs too," he says and I litrerally want to throw myself out of the bloody window.
 I knew it was the other one, I knew it I knew it I knew it. Now he's going to really think I am as common as Katie Price .
"And for the main course, madam?"
"I'll have the filet steak," I say in shame.
John  is engrossed in his menu. He looks up.
"I'll have the Mushroom Stroganoff please," he says with a straight face slamming his menu shut
And  then looks at me from across the table, and gives me a cheeky wink.


  1. Ahhh so what happened next????? So glad you guys went out and the whole phone call thing didn't get in the way. As for the bathroom later she should be shot! Swindling money out of you like that! For heavens sake it should not have cost you 6 pounds for spraying some hair spray, deodorant and her handing you a towel to dry your hands.. Just saying.. and if it does I need to be a bathroom lady then!

  2. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Reading your post makes me want to go out on dates again :) Why did you have to pretend that you weren't already there? *giggles* Tip from me to you, always plan to be 5 minutes late! ;)

  3. The lady in the toilet must be rich charging those prices!
    REALLY can't wait to hear what happens next!

  4. OMG! I love your blog and your style :) AND I'm dying to know what happened next!
    As for Charging Ladies: we once went clubbing and ended up at Tiger Tiger. My friend decided to leave a tip to a Charging Lady when we were re-touching our make-up. Charging Lady smiled and nodded with approval. Off we went, more drinking and dancing. We came back later and my friend wanted to use some perfume (her bag was ridiculously small - even to take lip gloss, not to mention perfume) and so she did. And the Charging Lady - with her stony impression - STILL told her to pay 5 pounds! My poor friend had to borrow from me, because she run out of change! Outrageous! xox