Tuesday, 12 October 2010

This little Piggy cried all the way home....

I am sitting on my bed, mobile phone in hand , rocking backwards and forwards like Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and making a low moaning sound. The reason for my temporary (I hope) insanity? I've just texted Suit Guy. (After all your comments I decided to Go For It!! life's too short hey? )

Hi. Hope you are well? Just wondering if you fancied having that drink this week? I wrote.

It's been 10 minutes and thirty six seconds since I sent it and STILL NO REPLY.

Oh god, he thinks I'm chasing him, he's "Just Not That Into Me", I haven't played "The Rules" I forgot that "Men Only Marry Bitches" and now I am going to suffer and burn in Spinster hell on my own with a load of cats. I didn't even want to go on this bloody date anyway! I just did it because EVERYONE  forced me into it. (Thanks Alot Guys!!) The pressure. Da pressure.

The phone rings. I hold it to within an inch of my face, frantically trying to make out the number on the screen. (I haven't entered him in my Contacts yet. Or given him his own personal ringtone. Or allocated him a photo of himself to come up flashing when he calls.That would be for the second date, which is evidently never going to materialise after my Joan Collins maneating ways). I decide to risk it and  answer in my sexiest most "Couldn't -give-a-Fuck" voice.

"Hey?" I squeak, sounding like a mix between Mickey Mouse and Barry White

Hey?? Hey?? I never say Hey!

"Harriet. You sound strange. have you got flu?"

Fuck. Its Fellow Actress

"No! Look,I can't talk right now. I'm waiting on a very important call"

She ignores me completely.

"I need to discuss something with you. It's a total emergency"


"You know how I went to Andy's sister's wedding ?? The big Meet The Parents and all that??"

"Oh .. yes! How was it?"

"Fucking disaster."

Oh dear.

"Didn't they like you??"

"No. No, they loved me!! No, in fact, his dad  was a keen Amateur Dramatic and he kept dragging me off to chat to me about acting and all that. He made me sit with him throughout the entire 3 hour long champagne reception and we talked all about Shakespeare and Chekov"

"Three hours," I gasp, "they must be loaded!!"

"They are," she moans, "Which makes it even worse because...because...I'll never have him nooooow.." she wails

"What happened?"

"Well," she sniffs," The reception finally ended and we went back to our room to , you know, "freshen up" before dinner and I, you know, got really horny all of a sudden and well, things got a bit steamy and we just shagged EVERYWHERE, on the four poster bed, in the bathroom, on the mahogany writing desk, and finally we got a bit carried away and felt a bit riske so we opened the windows and we did it as i looked out to the hills, all the guests milling about below, oblivious to what we were doing, and it looked like I was just getting some fresh air as I still had my dress on, until, until... "

"Until What.."

Oh bloody hell,I haven't got time to listen to Fellow Actress's boasting. I need to keep the line free.

"Well, I suddenly felt a bit queezy, it was his dad's fault, constantly topping up my glass with all that bubbly. And well,before I knew it I was chundering. Out of the bloody window....."

Oh no.

".....onto the hog roast below which was being prepared for the wedding party."

"Oh God,"

"I know."

"Thats awful, " I say. "Did they still eat it?"

"I don't bloody know!! I grabbed my stuff and legged it. Hitch hiked all the way back to Westbourne Park from the Cotswalds.I ruined his sisters wedding. He hates me!! And so does his mum, amd even his dad I bet."

I guess thats the last I'll be hearing about Andy then.

"Oh Harry ," she bawls, "I was going to marry him. I was going to be somebody's wife.Finally."

"Thats ok." I say, "He sounded a bit intense anyway."

"But I liked that!! He was just like me!!!But with a penis!!" she moaned.

I can hear the sound of call waiting beeping in my ear and I pull the phone away and take a sneaky glance. Its another mobile number. Could be him. I press hold and return to her.

"Babe," I say, "I'm really sorry but I need to take this call.Listen, its fine, we've all done it, if it's meant to be he'll love you no matter what. Even if you did puke all over his sister's hog roast while he was shagging you from behind!Look, we've all been there. I once gave one guy a blow job shortly after I had eaten mushroom stroganoff and it made me gag so much that a bit came up and there was a mushroom balancing on his Jap's eye!! He still called me the next day! It takes alot for a guy to go off a girl once you have them interested. TRUST ME."

"Really?" a somewhat surprised male voice on the other end of the phone pipes up.

Oh My God. What have I done? It's him. It's Suit Guy!

"Oh, hey, John."

"Hey Harriet," he says as I pull my knees into the foetus position and bite down on the duvet.

"Did you hear a really wierd crossed line just then?" I say weakly.


  1. Start writing sit-com scripts at once! That's the funniest post I ever read - and I've read a lot.
    By the way, do you know the song 'Primrose Hill' by Loudon Wainwright? It's mood suits your writing very well.
    Also I really like the Understudy poem!

  2. HORROR!! You must tell what happened next! You must, you must, you must...

    (you're fucking hilarious by the way!)

  3. This totally made my Friday. Fucking hilarious.


  4. This is too funny! I agree you have to tell us how the rest of the convo went with suit guy. Also did you meet up for that drink? Let us know!